* * *
It's tomorrow and Cupie-baby is back in my client's chair. Can't say I'm
any more fond of his mode of undress.
"Got a special at the Mall," I hint. "Blue jeans: Buy one, get one
free." He's not listening.
"What about my arrows?"
I slide the quiver and bow across the desk. "Here. Try not to lose them
again."
He looks at them. He's dubious. "These are mine?" he asks.
I nod.
"They look the same as the ones I gave you yesterday."
"How about that?"
"Are you sure . . ."
I stop him. Wave at the door. "Try them if you don't believe me. Go
shoot somebody." I love working as a P. I. in the Seven Counties. You
get to say stuff like that to a client.
Ten minutes later he's back. "They work!" he says. "Shot a doctor just
outside the building. She fell in love with a lawyer who's suing her for
malpractice. He gave her a summons; she gave him a kiss."
"More than I needed to know."
"But how," he says, settling into the client chair again, "Did you get
them back so quickly? Where were they? Who . . ."
I hold up my hand to stop him. "You told me where to find them
yesterday."
"I did?"
"After you left, I went over to the Ogre. Asked around a bit. Seems
you’re a regular, there . . ."
"I don't know about a 'regular,'" he quibbles.
"The barkeep tells me, " I say, ignoring him. "That, after you have a
few, you shoot that little toy of yours quite a bit."
"Well, so what?" he says. "I'm spreading love, in case you've forgotten.
It's the most valuable, precious . . ."
"Exactly," I say, leaning toward him. "You think so. I think so. Kiki
the Switch thought so."
"Who?"
"Kiki the Switch--Treegreen's only crossdressing thief. He's been
setting you up ever since he saw you shoot a dryad in the Ogre. He
figured your arrows had to be valuable when she kissed a lumberjack."
"I don't remem . . ."
"He made a copy of your quiver and your arrows. Hid them under one of
those long skirts he wears and waited for his chance. You shot him. He
hugged you. He switched your quiver for his."
"How did he do . . ."
"That's one of the reasons they call him Kiki the Switch. Guess the
other."
"But," he said, "He should have fallen in love! He should have fallen in
love so deeply he wouldn't have been able to steal anything."
"You use different arrows for guys and gals, don't you?"
He nods, realization dawning. "And I shot him with an arrow for a gal."
"Kiki crossdresses because it makes him a better thief; not because he's
. . . you know." I hand him my bill.
"Sorry," he says, fluttering up. "Can't pay you."
"What?" I open my desk drawer.
He's smiling. "One of the reasons I don't wear pants: no pockets, no
wallet, no money."
"Better find a way, chubby," I reach into my desk.
"What are you going to do, Mr. McCue? Wave a gun at me? I'm the God of
Love. You can't do anyth . . ." But I've got the gizmus out of my desk
now and he shuts up fast.
"But," he stammers, "You gave me the quiver back."
"I gave you a quiver back; a fake one. This," I lay it on my desk, "Is
the real one. You get it when my fee is in my bank account."
"The lawyer . . . the doctor . . ."
"If you look at the bill, you'll see their fee built in. I never trust a
guy with no pants so I hired a couple of actors. I figured you'd want to
test the arrows as soon as possible, and I knew you'd figure the arrows
had to be working if you zapped a doctor to smooch a lawyer."
"But the arrow didn't hurt . . ."
"Arrow-proof vest, guy. I also figured you'd shoot right for the heart."
"You took a terrible risk . . ."
"Not me," I shrugged, "The actors. That's why their fee is so high." I'm
still holding the bill toward him. He snatches it.
"Will you take a check?" Through gritted treeth; not very Cupid-like at
all.
"Cash or wire transfer, pal," I say.
"You'll have it tomorrow," he says and flutters out. Door slams; I pick
up the phone.
"Treegreen Pharmacy?" I say when they answer, "You got the
anti-infatuant I ordered? Good. Get it over here this afternoon." I hang
up. Call me paranoid, but I can't help but worry. Last thing I need is
to smile and kiss a pig . . . or worse.
x x x
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