St. Peter coughed nervously into his fist. He didn't want to do this but it was necessary. "Um, Lord, may I have a word?"

The firmament of heaven glowed a little more brightly as God turned his attention to St. Peter. "Yes, what is it?"

"It's Lucifer, Sir, he's at it again."

"Yes, of course. He's the great corruptor, Peter. He's always at it."

Peter scuffed the cloud he was standing on with a big toe. "Yes, but, he's being more successful than usual."

"Explain."

Peter took a deep breath. "He's been outscoring us nearly two to one over the last month. Our lines are shrinking while his are growing. People seem to want to go to Hell."

"How can that be?"

Peter shrugged. "That's what I'd like to find out. Permission to go and see what's going on."

"Permission granted -- and Peter."

"Yes Lord?"

"Be careful. He's a tricky one."

Peter nodded his head. "I will, Sir."

Strolling down the abysmal plain Peter was amazed by the number of people lined up to enter Hell. Why would they want to? It was Hell. Lucifer was standing by the black gates welcoming the new arrivals. "Hey, Lucifer," Peter cried, "I'd like a word with you."

The great horned monster practically leapt for joy when he saw Peter. "Come to join my legions have you?" He minced over on his cloven hoofs. It always amazed Peter that such a horrible creature could have such a prissy gait. He wondered if the damned ever laughed at the Prince of Darkness.

"No," Peter said flatly. "I'm here to find out what's with the long lines? You having a garage sale?"

Lucifer grinned. "More of an open house actually." He handed Peter a business card. It said: "Party hardy with the bad boys -- we know how to have a good time."

Peter's eyes narrowed. "Excuse me? This is Hell. It's not a happy place."

"Yes, well, that wasn't working so well for me so I decided to make some changes. Now we're the happiest place in the universe."

Looking down the length of the line Peter could see through the gates and what he saw was unnerving. Gone was the lake of fire. Now it was an enormous hot tub. The demons weren't torturing people, they were serving drinks. "That's just not right."

"So sue me," Lucifer said, "nobody ever accused me of doing what's right."

"What's your game? You used to enjoy torturing people."

"Simple, you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."

Then it hit Peter. "You're trying to win the war for their souls. Once you have them all, then you'll go back to tormenting them."

Lucifer's grin got wider. "Remove the threat of torment and people are just dying to get in. Eventually, I'll even empty out heaven -- and when that happens – creation is mine."

"Well, what's up?" God asked as soon as he returned. Peter gave him the facts. "WHAT! That violates the terms of our agreement! His lease specifically states –"

"Lord," Peter interrupted him, "he's winning the war for their souls."

"How?"

"Marketing, he's been informing humanity that Hell really isn't all that bad."

"Ok," God said with a growl, "now I go 'old testament' on his ass. Stand back."

Peter raised a hand. "Lord, I may have a better idea. If you'll allow me?"

God paused. "It better be good."

Peter smiled. "I think you'll be pleased."

A month later Lucifer stormed up to the gates of Heaven. There he found St. Peter busily running crowd control. There were so many people lined up he was having trouble processing them all. "Peter!" Lucifer bellowed. "I want a word with you!"

"Yes?" Peter responded innocently.

"He's violating the terms of our agreement. He's ignoring 'free' will."

Peter folded his arms across his chest. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Lucifer produced a business card. The crisp white paper had only two lines of text on it. "Want to talk? 1-800-GOD."

Peter took the card. "Cool, huh? You can't imagine how hard it was to get a 3-letter phone number. But once the big guy got involved the phone company was happy to oblige."

"Hah!" Lucifer crowed. "You said it yourself. He got involved. He's taken away free will."

Peter handed the card back. "I'd hardly call negotiating for a phone number taking away free will."

"Then how do you explain this!" Lucifer declared, pointing at the lines.

"I call it getting the word out. You gave me the idea. Taking your message straight to the public without any grand charades was a stroke of genius."

Lucifer spat on the ground. "So talking directly to people isn't taking away free will?"

"Hardly, God has always sent messages. Only, he's always used messengers. But by letting people talk directly to God we cut out the middle man. He never tells them what to do. He just explains their options. The choice is always theirs. And as you can see," Peter said indicating the lines, "with better information comes better choices."

"That's cheating!" Lucifer bellowed.

"Hardly," Peter answered, "that's marketing. By my estimates we'll have every soul on Earth lined up within a year. After that, we start to empty out Hell. Creation, as it always has been, will belong to him."

Lucifer was so incensed that couldn't speak and instead turned and stomped away. Peter had no doubt that he'd be trying to find a way to stop this -- but Peter wasn't concerned. The writing was on the wall. And now that Lucifer had so kindly turned Hell into a recreation spot, Heaven was free to take it over and expand its operations. Yup, Peter thought with a grin, that hot tub will make a welcome addition to their facilities. He could hardly wait to try it out.