“Cheers, mate; I really needed another pint. Where was I? Oh, yeah. The old Jennings’ farm.

“You know how it’s been empty after Ethel passed away – bless her soul - and the two young Jennings moved to York. That was… what? Three years ago?

“Anyway, one night the wife and I are having supper, she’s going on and on about this new compost she’s seen on the Telly, blah, blah, blah… I’m looking at old Pete. The poor dog seems to be as fed up as I am.

“Then the wife stops. Just like that- and that doesn’t happen very often mate, believe me. I look at her, and she’s staring out of the window. She says, ‘someone’s bought the Jennings place.’ I look too, and, blimey! The wife’s right. And - you won’t believe it - of all people, a bloody midget has moved in the place! “Anyway, midget or not, we think of paying a visit the next morning. You know, 'welcome… if you need anything…' the usual.

“But as soon as we go to sleep, old Pete starts barking like mad at Jennings’ barn. I try calming him down, but he’s all edgy.

“Then I hear noises coming from the barn, and see lights, as if somebody’s working in the middle of the night. I shrug, lock the dog in the kennel, and go back inside.

“The next morning, I find old Pete whining. He’s all covered in this sticky goo. There’s a trail of the stuff on the ground. I follow it, and I find this big hole in the fence. The trail continues on Jennings’ land. That kind of ticks me off, so I walk up to the farm to ask for an explanation.

“I see the midget closely for the first time; he’s got these weird huge eyes. He just stares at me, without a word. I think, maybe he’s dumb. Still he’s working with some strange, complicated tool. I figure he’s like one of them idiots who are really good in maths, you know. Anyhow, he’s not responding, and I’m getting nervous.

“Just then I see his dog. Weirdest pet I’ve ever seen in me life, mate. The little freak’s got green skin! Swear to God! Ugly as me Aunt Nora on a bad day! And it’s drooling the same sticky goo that Pete’s covered in. “I tell the bloke to keep the bloody thing away from my land. I promise to send him the bill for the fence, then storm off.

“All next day, the bloke doesn’t stop working. When it’s time for supper he’s still at it, inside his barn. I take a look before going to bed, and he’s put this huge round thing on the roof of the barn, all by himself! “Next morning, I wake up to find my cornfield full of large, flattened areas, in really precise drawings. I’m sure it’s the midget’s handiwork. No idea how he’s done it.

“I know, mate, that’s precisely my thinking! Got to get him back. So I go about my business as normal. Come evening, I dump a wheelbarrow full of cow shit on his front door! I figure that’ll sort him out. “So I go to bed, all proud of myself, although the missus thinks I should have called the coppers instead. We keep the dog inside with us, just in case.

“But in the middle of the night, BANG – HISS – BANG. These bloody loud noises wake us up. Like a stadium full of hooligans banging their drums. I look out, and sure enough, the noises come from the Jennings’ barn. “The wife’s worried sick, and I’ve had enough. I grab old Pete and walk to the barn to tell that bloody midget just what I think of him.

“I get there, and, guess what? The bloke’s got a bunch of his midget friends around for a party! Pete is barking his lungs out. They’re looking at us. I realize they must all be brothers. Same huge eyes, creepy. “Then I see this machine, like a phone booth with coloured lights. I figure it’s some gizmo-thing like they use in Discos, you know. Just as I look, it hisses and bangs loudly. The booth door lights up, blinding me, then another of them midgets staggers out of it, looking stoned.

“‘That’s it,’ I say, ‘I am not gonna have a bloody Disco in my backyard, you buggers!’ I grab a couple of midgets - they’re really light, like children – and I chuck them inside the booth. I turn to the others, they’re running around looking for something.

“As you’ll imagine, I’m pretty pissed off by now. I chase them around the barn, then kick them one by one inside their Disco booth, to teach them a lesson. Pete helps me catching midgets like a shepherd’s dog. They’re useless at fighting. Shortly I’ve got them all in the booth. I close the door, then grab a padlock from the barn’s entrance, and lock them in. Serves them right.

“But the booth carries on hissing and banging, so I unplug this thick electric cable. The thing goes silent. Satisfied, I go back home.

“Well, mate, they got the lesson all right. Next morning, the place is abandoned. They must have found a way of getting out of the booth, ‘cause I found it empty. The midget was in such a hurry to leave, he even forgot his bloody pet!

“Funny thing is, the wife wants to keep the ugly thing! She calls him ‘Broccoli’ and says we can’t leave him to starve. So now he lives with us.

“I know, mate, it’s a mad story. But that’s not all.

“After a while, it turns out Broccoli is a she. It also turns out my bloody Pete is either blind, or he’s the horniest dog alive.

“Here. Let me get something from my bag. How would your kids like this green puppy with six legs, mate?”