The Hardest Letter

T aking the time to enumerate the myriad clichés that will be in a letter like this would take much too long, but I would like to start with one. I did this all for you. There is nothing else that motivates me. I feel that I have made your life more difficult. I want you to have every opportunity that you could ever want. So in the end I did this all for you. This will be our dark secret. When you have finished reading this you will understand what I mean. When you are finished you must destroy this letter and never tell anyone about it. You must be strong and not succumb to your desire for nostalgia. Do not hold onto any fragment of the past, especially this letter.

With each passing day I realize that this life is not what I intended for our marriage. I didn’t want us to be poor. I didn’t want us to struggle. I wanted our lives to be full of joy, and hope. They are not. Largely this is my fault. I will take the blame. Losing a job has that effect on people’s lives. I have struggled to move forward from that point in my life when Lawrence handed me the pink slip. I have sought out jobs and, without you knowing I even tried to prostitute myself. In everything I have failed, I have been unable to move on. I have been unable to move forward. Nothing in my life has been as humiliating and degrading as being rejected by another man. Not only did he take advantage of my physically, he took advantage of me monetarily. I never tried again.

I have a solution to the situation though. This solution will be painful to me in many ways, but at least I know that I am strong enough to get through it. I know that it is a plan that I can see to fruition, with you on the receiving end of the benefits.

State and local law is very clear that the pedestrian has the right of way in all situations. No matter how foolish the action of a pedestrian, if a car hits someone on foot the driver is the person at fault. This aspect of the law opens up a two fold plan that I will be enacting if you are reading this.

It was difficult to come to this decision. I have wanted nothing more out of this life than to be with you. I count myself fortunate to have had the chance to spend this short time as your husband. To leave you behind will be the most difficult moment in this process. The action will be hard fraught with emotions that I don’t know if I will be able to overcome. In the end they may make me hesitate. That may be the ruin of my plan; it may also be what allows me to live. I will find out soon enough.

This very night I will go out onto Eighth Avenue and wait for a car to come down the road. At that time I will step out in front of the car allowing it to strike me. One of two things will happen. I will either be severely injured, or I will die. In either instance you will reap the benefits of the situation. I know that the grief that will be involved will be difficult to bear, but you must remain strong.

As a pedestrian this “accident” will be the fault of the driver. If I am injured they will be required to pay not only for my hospital treatment but also my pain and suffering. If I die, they will probably also be obligated in some way to pay for your pain and suffering. There is more if I die though. The only benefit that I have continued to pay for since my termination is my life insurance, of which you are the sole beneficiary. I will make sure that this looks like an accident and that you receive the money from this situation.

If I die I want you to move on with your life. Consider this money my last gift to you. Find someone that is more deserving of you than me. Find someone that can love you without having to give his life up. I love you. I hope that you don’t read this until morning so you can have one final night of good sleep. I love you.

x x x