“Thank you for tuning into WTLK, Talk Radio. This is
Chattin’Chester and
we’re talking this afternoon with Roland Morland. Mr. Morland is a zombie
from the Metro area. Four years ago his semi jack-knifed one snowy night
out on I-80.”
“So, Mr. Morland, you were saying that companies should hire more
zombies. Can you elaborate on that?”
“I sure can, Chester. You people don’t realize how many out-of-work
zombies there are. And there’s no unemployment compensation for us. I say
companies should look more seriously at hiring zombies.”
“Well, Roland, I gotta be honest. I think a lot of companies are
going to
shy away from hiring a zombie that’s missing half his face. It could
scare away business.”
“Oh, there’s lots of zombies who have all their parts. Hire the
better
looking ones for jobs dealing with the public and use the others for
behind-the-scene jobs. But there are many benefits to hiring a zombie. No
health insurance premiums, for one. I mean we never get sick. So we won’t
need sick days, either.”
“You may have something here, Roland. Everyone knows health insurance
premiums are out of control. So you don’t get sick, huh? What other
benefits are there?”
“Well Chester, we don’t need life insurance or retirement benefits
either. We already died and we won’t age past this point.”
“If you’ve just tuned in this is Chattin’ Chester and we’re
talking with
Roland Morland, a zombie advocating more hiring of zombies. So, Roland,
you’ve told us that if a company hires a zombie there will be no need for
health or life insurance premiums or retirement benefits. That could add
up to big bucks for many companies. But have you thought about the
consequences to the human unemployment rates if companies hire more
zombies?”
“Unfortunately, the human unemployment rates would go up, Chester.
But,
the difference right now between their unemployment rates and zombie
rates is so unfair. As of last month The Zombie National Times quoted the
zombie unemployment rate as 67%. All we want is a fair shake at the jobs.
Most zombies, when they show up to fill out an application, are turned
away. They hardly ever get to the interview stage.”
“So companies are discriminating against zombies. Have you checked
into
legal repercussions?”
“Zombies have no legal rights, Chester. We’re the undead. We can’t
even
vote. Imagine being IN this world but not OF this world.”
“You’ve heard it here first, folks. Equal rights for zombies.
What’d ya
think? The number’s 555-1111. Should zombies be treated like everyone
else? Talk to me.”
“Yeah, Chester, this is George. And I think it’s just a crock of
*?!. I
mean if you think I’m gonna *&%! Cry over some !@*& zombie’s &%**!...”
“Ok, let’s hear from Marge. Go ahead Marge.”
“Hello?”
“Hello Marge. You’re on the air with Chattin’ Chester. What’d ya
think of
equal rights for zombies?”
“You mean this isn’t the number for Social Security?”
“Ok, let’s try another one. What do you think John?”
“I think if you open up the doors to the zombies then you’ll be
opening
the doors to aliens too. Because believe you me, they’re out there. I
have one living beside me right now.”
“A zombie, John?”
“No! An alien. At night I can’t sleep because he’s running his
interplanetary communication device. The radio waves get into my brain
and…”
“Well, I’m afraid we’re outta time, Folks. Thanks for listening to
Chattin’ Chester. See ya tomorrow when we’ll have Norman and his psychic
hamster in the studio.”
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