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Zombies for Hire

by Diane T. Wickles © 2005

“Thank you for tuning into WTLK, Talk Radio. This is Chattin’Chester and we’re talking this afternoon with Roland Morland. Mr. Morland is a zombie from the Metro area. Four years ago his semi jack-knifed one snowy night out on I-80.”

“So, Mr. Morland, you were saying that companies should hire more zombies. Can you elaborate on that?”

“I sure can, Chester. You people don’t realize how many out-of-work zombies there are. And there’s no unemployment compensation for us. I say companies should look more seriously at hiring zombies.”

“Well, Roland, I gotta be honest. I think a lot of companies are going to shy away from hiring a zombie that’s missing half his face. It could scare away business.”

“Oh, there’s lots of zombies who have all their parts. Hire the better looking ones for jobs dealing with the public and use the others for behind-the-scene jobs. But there are many benefits to hiring a zombie. No health insurance premiums, for one. I mean we never get sick. So we won’t need sick days, either.”

“You may have something here, Roland. Everyone knows health insurance premiums are out of control. So you don’t get sick, huh? What other benefits are there?”

“Well Chester, we don’t need life insurance or retirement benefits either. We already died and we won’t age past this point.”

“If you’ve just tuned in this is Chattin’ Chester and we’re talking with Roland Morland, a zombie advocating more hiring of zombies. So, Roland, you’ve told us that if a company hires a zombie there will be no need for health or life insurance premiums or retirement benefits. That could add up to big bucks for many companies. But have you thought about the consequences to the human unemployment rates if companies hire more zombies?”

“Unfortunately, the human unemployment rates would go up, Chester. But, the difference right now between their unemployment rates and zombie rates is so unfair. As of last month The Zombie National Times quoted the zombie unemployment rate as 67%. All we want is a fair shake at the jobs. Most zombies, when they show up to fill out an application, are turned away. They hardly ever get to the interview stage.”

“So companies are discriminating against zombies. Have you checked into legal repercussions?”

“Zombies have no legal rights, Chester. We’re the undead. We can’t even vote. Imagine being IN this world but not OF this world.”

“You’ve heard it here first, folks. Equal rights for zombies. What’d ya think? The number’s 555-1111. Should zombies be treated like everyone else? Talk to me.”

“Yeah, Chester, this is George. And I think it’s just a crock of *?!. I mean if you think I’m gonna *&%! Cry over some !@*& zombie’s &%**!...”

“Ok, let’s hear from Marge. Go ahead Marge.”

“Hello?”

“Hello Marge. You’re on the air with Chattin’ Chester. What’d ya think of equal rights for zombies?”

“You mean this isn’t the number for Social Security?”

“Ok, let’s try another one. What do you think John?”

“I think if you open up the doors to the zombies then you’ll be opening the doors to aliens too. Because believe you me, they’re out there. I have one living beside me right now.”

“A zombie, John?”

“No! An alien. At night I can’t sleep because he’s running his interplanetary communication device. The radio waves get into my brain and…”

“Well, I’m afraid we’re outta time, Folks. Thanks for listening to Chattin’ Chester. See ya tomorrow when we’ll have Norman and his psychic hamster in the studio.”

x x x




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