"When it rains it pours," Morton said, assaulting the guard.

Morton's partner, Heinz, felt he was always playing catch up to Morton. But that was a sidekick's role, wasn't it? Someday, he hoped to venture out on his own.

"You bunch of freaks," the guard sneered. The rest of his companions lay spilled on the ground like matchsticks.

"I've got him covered," Heinz said.

"Tell us where they're keeping, Pepper." Morton said, pointing his umbrella at the guard.

The guard tried for defiance, but a small shake of Morton's umbrella poured acid into his wounds and he crumbled. "He's keeping them by the lava pit."

"Let us be quick about it," Heinz said and the dynamic duo moved off towards the stone monument, atop which, was a pit of lava. As they grew closer, they saw Pepper and Vidallia on a wooden perch overlooking the fire.

"That crouton!" Morton said.

"What?"

"I mean, that cretin! Vidallia is crying. He sliced her."

"He'll pay for every mark. I've got 57 varieties of suffering for him." Heinz vowed. "What about Pep?"

"She seems to be holding up, like the seasoned veteran she is."

The two sidled up to the base of the lava pit, crawling on the jungle floor. "We'll use our super strength and see if we can topple the monument."

They slammed themselves again and again into it.

"It's working!" Heinz said as the monument tilted, but didn't fall. However, the prisoners were shaken free.

Pepper was the first one to reach the ground. "Morton," she murmured.

"I'm here, Pep."

Vidallia sailed down next, in pieces.

Heinz threw his head back and howled insanely, "NO!"

"Morton, it's too late for us." Pepper lifted her head and sneezed.

"Don't say that." Morton gripped her hand. He could see now the damage that had been done to her. She had been twisted and tortured, her insides crushed.

"You must stop him."

"I will, Pep. I will." Morton said, but she was beyond hearing. "Olive you."

"There will be time to grieve later," Heinz said, laying his hand on Morton's shoulder. "Now to revenge."

"*Hic* You'll never catch Hellman," a voice came from behind him.

"Dill are you drunk again?"

"Pickled," he said cheerily. "Join me in a little dip?" He waved a bottle around his head.

"Where's Chip?" Morton said and looked around for Dill's brother.

"Gone," Dill blinked his watery eyes. "Gone." He broke down.

"Today is a great victory for evil," Heinz said.

"The day is not yet over," Morton said. "Dill, where is Hellman?"

"After you defeated his spuds, he went into hiding."

"Where did he go?"

Dill shrugged. "I dunno, he's got a hot tomato on the side. Maybe he went to her place." "Does his wife know?"

"Wives always know."

"Then let's go find Gulden," Morton said and pushed by Dill.

"What makes you think she'll help us?"

"A woman scorned is nothing to mess with, remember that, Heinz."

Gulden was waiting for them by the counter, "Hello Heinz," she purred and seemed to brighten as he flushed bright red. "I figured you and Morton would be around sooner or later. Have you come to bring down my husband?"

"You don't sound so broken up about it," Morton said.

"Ya can't make egg salad without breaking a few eggs, you know?" She lit up a cigarette.

"Do you know where he went?"

"I kicked Hellman out a few weeks ago. You'll probably find him over at Nick's place, with that tart."

"Dill said she was a real hot dog with nice buns." Heinz said.

"Yeah, whatever. I was sorry to hear about Pep and Vidallia."

Morton gave a tight nod.

"What made him snap?"

"I think it was the heat." She fixed Heinz with a spicy look. "Some people just can't handle it. They go mad dog crazy. I say if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen."

"We'll be heading off to Nick's. Thanks Gulden." "Be careful. He's gone bad, I tell you."

Nick's place had been picked over. It was easy to see that Hellman had spread his evil sickness inside. The place smelled rancid.

"Hello boys," Hellman said from atop his throne made of toothpicks.

Heinz rushed forward in a blind rage, but a dozen devils sprung up and overwhelmed him.

"Don't mind the eggheads, Morton. They're just going to have a little fun with your sidekick while you and I talk."

"Why?" Morton said. "What were you trying to accomplish?"

"I was tired of being always on the side. Richard III said it best when he said, if I can not be loved as a hero, then I'll be remembered as a villain."

Morton reeled as if he had been struck, "And now to add to your crimes, you dare paraphrase Shakespeare. Die, you oily scum!" He lashed out with an acid stream from his umbrella, but Hellman took it square on the chest.

"You can't stop me, Morton, but you can join me. The public no longer loves you."

"You killed Pep and Vidallia!"

"I hear they're trying to pin the high blood pressure rap on you too. Join me Morton."

"Never!" Morton crashed into him and the toothpicks splintered around them.

"Then die!" That was when Hellman made his fateful mistake. He rolled too far and careened to the floor, where his skull split open and splattered his brains everywhere.

"Behind you, Morton!" Heinz yelled, bursting free from his assailants.

In the scuffle, a candle knocked over and had caught the tablecloth on fire. Morton looked at his sidekick. "You're ready Heinz."

"Morton, no!"

"'Tis a far far better place. . ."

"Not you too, Morton."

"Without Pepper, I'm missing a part of me." With that, Morton spilled his lifeblood on the fire, suffocating it.

Heinz bowed his head and made a solemn vow to fight evil in his friends' memory. And for the rest of his days, he kept that promise, but he did so without relish.