Attention, anyone who receives this message. I am broadcasting on a psychic telepathic band and my name is Kirk Coleman.

Now you may think you know me: Kirk Coleman, drunk teenager. But I have a goal. I have a mission and a project. The mission: to someday get out of this small town called Pungoteague, Virginia. The project is: to get out of this ditch.

I am capable of sending telepathic band because both of my parents are aliens from outer space. So I am lying in this ditch sending out a telepathic signal to anyone who can help me. Get me out of this ditch.

I first became aware of this ditch when that dog over there whizzed on my head.

I hate that dog. When I take over the world, I am going to sit on my golden throne and I’m gonna have a stick, see? And I’m going to pretend like I’m gonna throw it. But I’m not.

Then the dog is gonna be like, ‘What happened to the stick?’ And I’m gonna be like, ‘See who the superior being is now, huh dog?’

It’s gonna be me because I know where the stick is.

Maybe I can follow the dog out of the ditch…

These are the voyages of the Starship, Enterprise…. Our mission, should we decide to accept it is- oh look! A car!

Hey, hey, hey! Marybeth! You’re looking good!

No, I’m not hurt. I’m working on a mathematical equation. If I’ve been on this planet for sixteen years and I’ve drank five beers, how long will it be before I can talk you into… into….

Oh yeah??!! Well, I think you’re drunk!!! And I’m gonna tell your mother!!!

Yeah, you’d better drive away!

Marybeth Simpson! She thinks she’s so hot since she got her braces off.

Hey, Marybeth! I got more titanium in my little finger than you got in your whole body!!!

Yeah, who’s embarrassed now?

Let me see if I can get- uh- up on my knees.

Oh, hello, Rev. Bishop. How nice to see you. Why, is this the ditch next to the Methodist church? How about that?

Now, Reverend, can anybody truly own a ditch? Can anybody ever truly go the hell home? If I might quote from Romans 6:15-

Hey! You can’t walk away while I’m still talking to you! Hey! Come back here! Hey! Rev. Bishop is a stupid name! It’s like being named Captain Sergeant. That’s right! I said stupid name!!

When I take over I’m selling you to the Catholics! I can get up on my knees. Maybe I can stand…. Stand up. Whoah! Okay! Whoah! Hey look! I’m up! I’m up!

And you must be Officer Earl! I know you! You’re the guy! You’re the guy!! I know you!!!

Did you know I’m an alien? Well, not me, but my Dad? Yeah! He’s got a space ship in the attic. And he told me a lot of stuff!!

You know Star Wars? Darth Vader? Let me have your helmet. I’ll show you how he sounds. C’mon! Let me show you!

Well, anyway, ya know, ya know what my dad told me?

He said Star Wars never happened! True story!!

But then he told me… he said…. Ya know that movie with the elves and the ring and that… thing that looked like a hairless monkey? Ya know? And you know that part where the elf kills the war elephant?

Was that cool or what? And, later, he got to be a pirate. Yeah, that’s the same guy!!!

You can search my car for drugs. I don’t do any drugs. No cocaine…not even pot…

But you can’t search my car for beer because I got a six pack in there that nobody’s supposed to know about. I could get into trouble…

I’ll tell ya where my car is! My car is… My parents always say, ‘If you’re going to drink, don’t drive. If you’re going to drive, don’t drink.’

They’re aliens, you know.

Yes, sir! I have my license. It’s right in my wallet…. My wallet is in my pants…

I don’t know, sir. I imagine my pants are in my car. The last thing I remember I was hanging out the passenger’s window and I remembered at that point my pants were around my feet inside the car. Then I fell out when they took this turn.

Ha! I knew I could put it all together! See!?

That’s where you’re wrong, sir. I wouldn’t have been killed if I was sober. If I was sober I wouldn’t have been mooning Mrs. Bishop at 65 mph!

Use some common sense, man!

I would like to say that if I touched you, I in no way meant it in a threatening or disrespectful way.

Please don’t hit me. You outweigh me by 150 pounds.

Did you see that movie where the elf killed this elephant?

Wait a minute, Officer! I can sense something! Did ya see the movie where they looked at the glass of water and they knew the dinosaur was coming? Well, I can sense something really bad is about to happen. Something is coming.

Something that can end all life, such as we know it.

Something in a 1998 Ford Escort.

Something called…

MOM!!!!!!!!!!!