The last thing I remember is the gunshot. Didn’t see it coming and certainly didn’t expect it. Who does, really? I can go on the record and say it was loud and exploded my chest. But I don’t know if I’m dead or alive because I’m aware and I’m thinking and I’m surrounded by blackness.

I’m wriggling around and I can feel soft, squishy walls on either side of me. I can’t feel my fingers or toes. Hunger pangs wrack my body. Why can’t I see anything?

Warm water washes over my body and it relaxes me enough to slip out of position. It feels like I’m sliding down a slow water slide. I’m definitely in a tube of some sort and I keep bouncing off the walls. I go around a bend pretty fast and slide to a stop. My skin starts to sting and itch, but I can’t scratch since I can’t feel my hands. I force my mind to think about my life before the shooting.

I didn’t think she had it in her. When she picked up that gun, I really didn’t think she’d pull the trigger. I guess Cheryl was the last straw. She was so hot. Oooh, I’m feeling all squidgy. That woman, those boobs, that ass, those lips. Hillary ruined it all.

Wait a minute. Maybe she killed me. Maybe I’m being born again! A second chance. God, wouldn’t that be fabulous. Being president was fun, but next time around, if that’s what this is, I’m going to be an actor. They get all the girls and no one cares.

Another warm bath. This itchiness is insane. I have to concentrate. Where are my fingers. Damn it, where are they! This black hole better have a light at the end of it. This is getting ridiculous.

The tube walls are closing on me. Oh shit. My body feels increasing pressure on all sides. I feel like I’m on the rack, my body is stretching farther and farther….I’m pulling apart…oh God let me have a fun, unobstructed life this time around…please….

My hopes high, I burst out of the darkness into blistering bright white and as I twist and roll, I catch a glimpse of my own body as I splash down into a smelly brown watery bowl.

I try to scream, but I can’t as I have no vocal cords.

I’m a tapeworm! Aaaaagghhh!

A voice gurgles down to me as I sink below the stinking mass and wonder for the last time why I deserve this.

“That’s definitely the helminth that has infected your system, Mrs. Clinton, and as long as you continue the diet I prescribed, the few remaining remnants should clear out of your alimentary canal in a matter of days, then your life will return to normal.”