Ms. Forsyth:

Welcome to Parenting Solutions, the company that lets you fulfill your parenting dreams without giving up your life. You have a career, a social life, places to visit and things to do. Should having children change that? We don’t think so! Simply fill out the enclosed checklist to tell us about the son or daughter you would like to have: a child born and raised specifically for you.

I’m sure you have questions about home life and education, safety and nutrition. The enclosed brochures will explain all these things and more. Our homes consistently achieve the highest ratings in the country. With Parenting Solutions, your child is in professional hands.

We hope you’ll choose Parenting Solutions to start your family.

Warm regards,

Beth Cavanaugh

Parenting Solutions: “Create life without giving up your own.”

Welcome to the Parenting Solutions family! Your first payment has been received, and Edgar Broderick Forsyth is on his way. His birth is scheduled for January 28th. At that time you will receive:

--Birth certificate

--Doctor’s guarantee

--Priceless photographs of your new son

--Recordings of his first cry

--Much more!

Enclosed you will also find a legal document investing Parenting Solutions as your child’s in absentia guardian, which waives certain rights to legal culpability. It is important that you sign and return this document within five weeks; otherwise the fetus will be terminated and your money returned.

Thank you for choosing Parenting Solutions!

Sincerely,

Beth Cavanaugh

Parenting Solutions: “Parenting without the mess.”

Congratulations on the birth of your son! I’m certain the enclosed pictures will capture your heart as much as they’ve captured ours. And I’m just as certain you’ll enjoy having the benefits of parenthood without giving up your life!

Benjamin’s care is in the skilled hands of one of our most gifted parents. Only the best products are good enough for Benjamin: Similac formula, Gerber passifiers, Huggies diapers, and clothing from Carters. As a special gift, we’ve also included a tiny lock of his hair.* If you upgrade to our Memories package, you’ll receive a gift like this each month: think bronzed baby shoes, plaster handprints, and pictures crayoned just for you!

Your next payment is due on February 15th. And once again, congratulations!

Sincerely,

Beth Cavanaugh

Parenting Solutions: “Let the professionals raise yours.”

* To preserve donor anonymity, hair has been treated to restrict genetic identification.

Please accept our sincerest apologies for the last letter you received. Of course your son’s name is Edgar. Benjamin is the name of another child born here a few days after Edgar, a playmate we’re sure your son will grow to love. Please rest assured that there is no confusion of the actual boys; the pictures you received were of your son, as was the lock of hair. Ms. Cavanaugh, who made the mistake, is no longer working here. Please disregard any correspondance you may receive from her, as she no longer represents the company.

Sincerely,

Mark Reynolds, President

Parenting Solutions: “Because parenting is too important to do alone.”

Your little Benjamin is certainly a joy! He surprises us each day with his antics. He’s developed a lovely social smile (see the enclosed photo!) and is just beginning to roll over by himself. Nothing pleases Benjamin more than cuddling in a warm blanket. We tell him every day about his mother, who loves him so much.

Feel free to visit any time. Your boy is in good hands here at Parenting Solutions.

Kathy Gaudin

Professional Mother

Parenting Solutions

Please accept our sincerest apologies for the last letter you received. We are still working out the miscommunication, but your son Edgar is doing well. The letter regarding the other child was sent to you in error. Your concern about the photographs is unfounded; please remember that infants at this age look much alike.

There is no need to contact your lawyer. Your child is receiving the best possible care. Before you know it, he’ll be crawling, then tearing about the house! I’ve included a bonus video (usually only available with a package upgrade) to thank you for your patronage and assure you all is well.

Sincerely,

Mark Reynolds, President

Parenting Solutions: “Parenting with experience.”

Disregard all the communication you’ve received from Ms. Cavanaugh. Ms. Cavanaugh is a disgruntled employee who was released for gross negligence. Please understand the impossibility of a company of our size and reputation perpetrating a scam of the magnitude she alleges. We undergo regular accreditations. Our professional homes are subject to oversight by government social service departments. Please rest assured, your son is not being shared with hundreds of other customers.

I’m sorry that you were unable to find Edgar’s home in your recent attempt to visit. Next time, please call ahead so we can prepare to receive you and provide you with proper directions. We’re anxious to satisfy your concerns once and for all.

Sincerely,

Mark Reynolds, President

Parenting Solutions: “Modern childcare for the modern age.”

We still have not received your payment due April 15. I don’t know why you expect us to respond to your requests for a visit when you have not fulfilled your contractual obligations. Please send the payment immediately. We would not want to have to put your child up for adoption.

Sincerely,

Mark Reynolds, President

Parenting Solutions

Do not contact your lawyer under any circumstances. According to our contract, your failure to make timely payments absolves you of any right to visit Edgar. Taking legal action can only cause harm to you and your son. Please send your payment immediately or do not contact us again.

Mark Reynolds,

President

Parenting Solutions

We received your inquiry regarding the series of returned letters addressed to Parenting Solutions, Inc. We regret to inform you that P.O. Box 20786 is no longer accepting mail. The account was closed with no forwarding address.

Postmaster U.S. Post Office

This story is a wealth of parable: incompetent corporations, parents who want children, but not the responsibility accompanying them, missed communications. Its epistolary nature marks it as unusual, as does the writer’s skill in handling that genre. Hope you enjoyed it, anotherealmers. -GM