by Delo White © 2001

That damn window! It just won't stay shut. Each time I close it I come back and find it open. I tell the kids to keep it shut. They just won't listen. Even my mother-in-law opens it. But the greatest offender of all is Charles the neighborhood squirrel. It likes opening the window and coming in to eat my nuts.

Still that damn window perplexes me. Nobody is around and still it's open. I've inspected the window until I'm blue in the face and have windowpane stains. I think it's a conspiracy. The government used to have an open door policy. Now it's an open window policy.

I am now diligently monitoring the window. Using infrared goggles, I watch it in the dark. These really are good goggles. I can see through my neighbors' walls and into their bedrooms. Still there is no explanation. The window just opens without cause.

I finally nail the sucker close. Just try and open, window. I laugh hysterically, for now I am crazy, have quit my job, lost my family, walk around in my underwear, and have a window fixation.

Thinking that maybe all the windows in the house are possessed, I try an experiment. One day I open half of them all the way. A third I open only partially. The remainder stay closed. When I return to check on them, I am dumbfounded. The ones opened all the way are closed, the ones left open partially are open all the way, and the ones closed are open partially.

I go to a local window store and speak with a professional. He tells me that German windows are notorious for not staying closed. His suggestion is to replace the problematic window with a good Italian Smessamess. So I do and I gloat to myself how smart yet crazy I am. I appeared in public in my underwear.

After a while there is a tapping at the newly-closed window. There is Charles the squirrel wanting my nuts. I laugh hysterically. No, Charles. No nuts for you. Then the silly yet damn window opens in front of me. I swear, I hear a tiny motor and a whirring electrical sound. Slowly the window opens and in comes Charles followed by his drunken buddies: a couple of raccoons, a monkey, a group of street thug cats, and one guinea pig.

I sit in my underwear in absolute disbelief. Charles has rigged the window. Man, that's one smart squirrel. It takes hours to run the bunch out of the kitchen where they found the bag of walnuts in the closet.

I have now decided to break all the glass in the house. Windows are bad when they won't stay shut. A windowless society is for me. Maybe now I will put on some clothes and stop scaring my neighbors.

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